On Leaving and Letting
by Colored Sabotage
Summary: Lucy doesn't think Edmund sees, but he does. At the end of Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Aslan gives them a choice to enter Aslan's country. Edmund knows that Lucy has dreamt of Aslan's country since she heard of it, so how could he ask her not to go? But then, how could he let her leave when she is the only person who keeps him from falling apart?
_Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this book/movie series_

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"Children?" Aslan extends the same invitation that he had just extended to Caspian and Edmund's heart seizes; because as much as he doesn't want to leave Narnia, as much as he doesn't want to leave Aslan, he wants to see Peter and Susan again. And he won't go, he tells himself but he looks to his right and sees Lucy, already accepting the invitation.

She doesn't think he sees, but he does. He sees the way Lucy's eyes light up at Aslan's invitation, he sees the way she is already stepping forward to touch that large, large, wall of ocean, and he sees the way that the sides of her mouth are already lifting up in joy.

"I think it's time for us to go home actually." He's done it, then. Gone and shattered Lucy's dreams with one sentence like only he can. He wants to grip her hand tightly to make her stop walking, to make her stop moving forward, to make her stop leaving him behind. But he doesn't because it has been ages and ages since Edmund held Lucy's hand in such a needing gesture.

However, there is apparently no need for the hand holding because Lucy has already stopped, already stepped back into place beside him, and is already beginning to banish the thought from her mind. But the thought is not quite gone and his heart seizes again with the kind of pain that only comes from family being separated.

"It is?" He hears her voice waver ever so slightly. He nods silently, talks about Peter, Susan, Mum, Dad, anyone and everyone Lucy cares about that is still back home. But the desire is still there, that longing to be in Aslan's country is still alive and greater than he ever thought it was.

He looks Lucy in the eyes and for the first time in while he sees the Valiant Queen. He had not given Queen Lucy much thought back in England, only had room in his heart for his sister Lucy, because to be frank his sister Lucy was much easier to love than the Valiant Queen. He thinks this and then hates himself for it because there is no Narnian monarch he admires more than Queen Lucy the Valiant, not even Aslan. His heart shudders and Edmund knows he has committed some sin, for Aslan was the ultimate Goodness, the reason for Narnia existing and for the Pevensie's to return again and again to Narnia.

But it is Queen Lucy the Valiant that helped him grow into his kingship, Edmund thinks. It was Queen Lucy the Valiant that managed to be the caring and empathetic voice when Susan was absent, it was she that managed to make the hard decisions when Peter did not, would not, want to, and it was she that managed to turn Edmund the traitor into King Edmund the Just. It is Queen Lucy the Valiant that reminded them they were a family first and foremost, that they were together, that they needed each other.

But despite that great adventure, the promise and invitation that Aslan has extended, Lucy is still by his side. Edmund cannot help but quell a surge of pride and happiness, for even if Queen Lucy the Valiant was willing to leave him behind to quench her thirst for adventure, to cement her place in Aslan's country...Edmund still knows that his little sister Lucy will remain by his side. His little sister Lucy is not so little anymore, who resembles the Valiant Queen a little more everyday, who would not desert Edmund ever, not even if the skies themselves demanded it. It was the Valiant Queen who helped him become a good king, but it is his sister who he trusts with his whole heart. It is his sister Lucy he can count on to keep the family together. It is his sister Lucy he can count on to trust him, to listen, to argue, to debate. It is his Lucy who he has tormented and been tormented by, who has remained his faithful partner in crime, who let him cry in front of her after nightmares about the White Witch. It is his sister Lucy, and only Lucy who Edmund knows that he cannot live without, that he cannot survive without, that he cannot breathe without. For Queen Lucy the Valiant may have been the person Narnia depended on, but even before that woman existed, it was his little sister Lucy that Edmund so depended on.

Edmund wants to cry out in frustration because he knows Lucy deserves whatever she desires, that she deserves the place in Aslan's country, that her home and her soul and heart have never belonged in Finchley, not really. And if he were the Just King that Aslan truly knighted him as, he would have kept his mouth shut and let Lucy leave him behind on the shore, disappearing forever into Aslan's country. But Edmund cannot bring himself to do so, perhaps because he is not as just as Aslan wishes him to be. No, instead Edmund is selfish and he knows it, because he cannot survive without Lucy. He knows that none of his siblings can survive without Lucy. He, Peter, and Susan need Lucy and though the older two don't like to admit, though he himself won't ever admit it out loud, he knows they need Lucy like they need air. She is a constant, a fierce and loving force to contend with and the very support he needs. Edmund thinks all these things and his heart breaks for her but he is not selfless enough to let her go without him or the others. Deep in his heart he knows his family needs Lucy and if he were to return without her they will all fold in on themselves and slowly drift apart until they reach the edges of the earth, all alone.

Edmund has no idea how to tell Lucy all of this but as he looks at her, he can already see the gears turning in her head. It is little sister Lucy and Queen Lucy the Valiant working together, working against everything they've ever wanted from Narnia, everything the two of them have dreamed since they stumbled upon the wardrobe.

"Is this our last time in Narnia?" The words are already leaving Lucy's lips and Edmund shares a look with Aslan, a knowing, gracious look that Edmund must avert his gaze from. Like always, he feels that he does not deserve the great Lion's love and respect, especially not now, not when Edmund has stolen away what he is sure is Aslan's greatest, fiercest, strongest, most loyal lioness. Not when Edmund has knowingly asked his little sister to give up her dream to keep the family together, not when Edmund has knowingly asked Queen Lucy the Valiant to surrender her place in Aslan's country to be the valiant hear of her family once more...for Edmund is sure that without hear, the Pevensies really aren't a valiant bunch at all.

Time is stalled on this sandy strip. Edmund wants to thank his sister, wants to hug her, wants to take back his suggestion and run headlong into the waves with her. But he cannot do that because it feels so wrong to enter Aslan's country without Peter and Susan. The four of them together are a monarchy and his heart insists that that is how they all must enter Aslan's country together.

"Yes, dear one. You are all grown up. Just as it was Peter and Susan's time, it is now yours and Edmund's." The great Lion looks upon the both of them and Edmund knows that Lucy may have already earned her place in Aslan's country but he may need lifetimes to deserve such an honor.

"Will I see you again?" Lucy doesn't think he sees, but Edmund does. Her tears are hot and fast running down her cheeks, her hands are woven into the Lion's fur, and she embraces Aslan with all of her strength, love, and wisdom. And Edmund wishes for Aslan to make it so. Even if the others do not meet Aslan face to face, Lucy must again, or else she will be broken forever.

And almost as a blessing and an answer to his prayer, Aslan nods regally, "Yes, dear one." They embrace again and Edmund's heart tears again. He is second guessing everything he asked Lucy to do up until this point and realizes that it is truly _not_ fair, and that maybe he should be a better brother and just let her go.

Lucy does not think he sees, but Edmund does. Her hand slips into his and squeezes firmly until his fingers are clasping hers tightly. There is a promise between their clasped hands because honestly, his sister Lucy has never abandoned him, not before Narnia, not during Narnia, not even after Narnia. And though neither of them want to go back to England, though neither of them want to leave Narnia and Aslan and their Golden Age behind, they must, if only to find their family again and be with them...and share with them all they have learned from this beautiful magical place.

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Edmund does not think she sees, but Lucy does. And perhaps that is why she holds on a little tighter and a little longer to Edmund's hand than she ever has before. She knows with all her heart that her brother only wants what she wants, only ever gives her the best of anything, only stops her from going forward when she has forgotten something important. In her haste and love for Aslan, she has forgotten her family and Edmund reminded her of it. But she sees him stall, she sees his silent communication with Aslan, she sees his hesitation and his mouth opening to suggest she go forward and he will go back, and that he alone will bring Peter and Susan and hopefully they will find her eventually in Aslan's country.

Both the Valiant Queen and little sister Lucy know that this is just big brother Edmund giving his little sister the biggest slice of cake, the sweetest fruit, the prettiest flower. Both the Valiant Queen and little sister Lucy know that for Edmund to let her move on is to leave him behind to waste away. Both the Valiant Queen and little sister Lucy know that they are nothing without their king and brother, that they are simply shells of themselves without Edmund to help them chase each day with wild abandon.

Edmund does not think Lucy knows but she does. Lucy knows that to embrace Aslan right now is to leave her family, specifically Edmund, especially Edmund, behind and something in Lucy's heart stirs because she is not ready to do that now and is not quite sure is ever ready to do that. She thinks that if she absolutely has to, she can leave everyone else behind her, but not Edmund...no, never Edmund.

And so the two of them stand there, holding each other's hands tighter and longer than they've ever held each other's hands before, keeping promises between the closed palms and holding onto each other's secrets.

Neither believes that the other truly sees them for what the other is worth, but they do. And it is for that reason, and only that reason that they find the strength to leave Narnia behind for a final time, to close the doors on a Golden Age, and to strive to find Aslan in their own country as well, in hopes of returning to his country one day, welcomed with open arms, together.

* * *

And eventually, together, into Aslan's country welcomed they were.


End file.
